on a dark
cloudy night
he stole my heart..

on a bright
sunny day
i got it back....

Sometimes,
Only at times..
I remember
What it was like
To know a man.

To know a man well
than he himself.
How joyful
As a new pup,
He was..
and,
How dark
As the moonless night.

If I had the heart
I would turn around
And never look back
Into the dark
Of the night
I would walk.
Never would I bother
For those I
leave behind.
Thick my skin
from age
or familiarity
would never feel the prick.
Of the eyes on me
Burning questions
persistently..
Never would I turn around
And look back
If only
I had the heart..
if only
I had
a heart..

..
The past drags
In my mind
Agonizingly forever..
Trailing its icy cold fingers
Digging furrows
Deep into me
Raking its nails
To draw blood
Where there were none
Or so I thought
And then I bleed
Yes I still do
Till this day,
This hour,
This minute
I bleed

I bleed
The joys
The smiles
The love
That were inside me
Trapped.
so silently.
in a corner.
Held fast.

Does anyone know the smell
Of rotten joys
Rotten smiles
Rotten love?

I sit at the kitchen table. A light drizzle falls outside. The grey dust coated road quickly turns black. I don’t remember if march weather was always like this, the cold of the winter retreating mixed with some rain. But there are a lot of things that I do not remember. For instance I don’t remember if I was happier than this before or whether I was more satisfied with life before. I do not also remember how it felt being in love which in turn confuses me about the way I feel now.

I try to think back but all I get is moving images devoid of any emotions. I can think back to the exact incidents but cannot capture the feelings attached to them. The only thing that comes to mind is it is supposed to be stronger than this. But I also know, stronger, never worked for me.

Xx
Shuttling between siliguri and gangtok for the last two weeks. Extending weekend breaks till mid week to join office only for two days. Spending time with Mom, with a lot of cooking interspersed with shopping breaks in between. Advait, advait and more advait. His antics, his hindi, his dances. Rebuking him and immediately feeling sorry for it on seeing his face crumble.

That about sums up my past weeks.

Finally finally through with the red panda notebook. I have been working on it ever since the time of joining and it was simply not going anywhere. The draft got ready two months back but the file for approval went down the abyss that is the government department. I gave up hope that it would ever see the light of day and if all the time I had spent in writing and designing it, I sorrowfully wondered, had gone in vain.

Then one fine day, towards the end of January I got elated with the news that it had finally been approved. The file had journeyed through different desks in the department steadily climbing upwards till it got to the topmost person in the state. Yes, the chief minister himself approved it in the end. Since it involves some foreign funding it was treated with an extra bit of caution, though I dare not think what it would measure to, since the government officials are already over cautious about everything. However all that does not count now, since it has finally been approved and the go ahead given for its printing. Yay !!

Xxx
What was I like at 25? Was I mature enough to manage a 30 year old? Make that a distraught 30 year old, who does not wish to be 30 in the first place. If god granted me an answer to this, it would make things so much easier. Probably I would just go ahead and get married.