I am Wapas..

2008-05-13T02:52:00.000-07:00

2008-05-06T02:35:00.001-07:00

Priya goes to field finally..

Cheese pakoras, veg sandwich, some French fries and veg cutlets, all wrapped separately in aluminum foil and put in a cardboard box. That was our lunch for the day. I saved some of mine for the gloomy evening that I knew was sure to follow the rather tiring day we were in for. We left Gangtok heavily behind schedule after some not so serious incidents turned around and became rather serious, resulting in a very ruffled me shuttling between the police station and office. After 5 hours of traveling reached hiley from where the walking would begin, not a very long one; just a little over an hour through rhododendron and conifer and bamboo forests. It was sad that most of the rhodos were past blooming but even the grandii and falconeri that remained proved to be quite a sight.

Later we sat in the semi dark of the forest barrack with a solar lamp providing us enough light to have some sensible conversations about the bears of India and sambhars. Soon when the tummy started complaining I remembered the leftover from lunch which I had, safely tucked in my backpack. I took them and laid it out on the table; the three of us shared the cold cheese pakoras and the sandwich. It tasted even better now.

The man took the aluminum foil in his hands and started feeling them in a way that filled the two of us with a strange foreboding about the question that was about to pop forth from him. He was someone always popping questions, bursting with them; they flowed out from him incessantly, and they ran down and chased us. By now we were acquainted.

Do you know they wrap potatoes in these foils and cook them ya? That was the way he spoke usually ending his queries with a ya.

We both nodded agreement. Then five seconds later.

How many layers ya?

How many layers of what..??

Of this foil they use..

Confidently I give the answer- ONE

Wonly one?? You sure??

Yes, I am sure.

You mean to tell me that if I put this in the fire it won’t burn??

No.

Why?

Because its aluminum. That’s why.

He only shakes his head. After a moment of silent contemplation he starts opening out the crumpled foil and rolls it carefully into a ball leaving a hollow in the middle, then suddenly stands up and announces- I am going to the kitchen to try and see if it burns.

We wait. A minute later, he is back.

You know I put it into the fire and it did not burn ya.

Yay!! Yay!! Yay!!

2008-04-10T22:36:00.000-07:00

on a dark
cloudy night
he stole my heart..

on a bright
sunny day
i got it back....

2008-04-07T04:33:00.004-07:00

Sometimes,
Only at times..
I remember
What it was like
To know a man.

To know a man well
than he himself.
How joyful
As a new pup,
He was..
and,
How dark
As the moonless night.

2008-04-07T04:33:00.003-07:00

If I had the heart
I would turn around
And never look back
Into the dark
Of the night
I would walk.
Never would I bother
For those I
leave behind.
Thick my skin
from age
or familiarity
would never feel the prick.
Of the eyes on me
Burning questions
persistently..
Never would I turn around
And look back
If only
I had the heart..
if only
I had
a heart..

2008-04-07T04:33:00.001-07:00

..
The past drags
In my mind
Agonizingly forever..
Trailing its icy cold fingers
Digging furrows
Deep into me
Raking its nails
To draw blood
Where there were none
Or so I thought
And then I bleed
Yes I still do
Till this day,
This hour,
This minute
I bleed

I bleed
The joys
The smiles
The love
That were inside me
Trapped.
so silently.
in a corner.
Held fast.

Does anyone know the smell
Of rotten joys
Rotten smiles
Rotten love?

2008-04-07T04:31:00.000-07:00

I sit at the kitchen table. A light drizzle falls outside. The grey dust coated road quickly turns black. I don’t remember if march weather was always like this, the cold of the winter retreating mixed with some rain. But there are a lot of things that I do not remember. For instance I don’t remember if I was happier than this before or whether I was more satisfied with life before. I do not also remember how it felt being in love which in turn confuses me about the way I feel now.

I try to think back but all I get is moving images devoid of any emotions. I can think back to the exact incidents but cannot capture the feelings attached to them. The only thing that comes to mind is it is supposed to be stronger than this. But I also know, stronger, never worked for me.

Xx
Shuttling between siliguri and gangtok for the last two weeks. Extending weekend breaks till mid week to join office only for two days. Spending time with Mom, with a lot of cooking interspersed with shopping breaks in between. Advait, advait and more advait. His antics, his hindi, his dances. Rebuking him and immediately feeling sorry for it on seeing his face crumble.

That about sums up my past weeks.

Finally finally through with the red panda notebook. I have been working on it ever since the time of joining and it was simply not going anywhere. The draft got ready two months back but the file for approval went down the abyss that is the government department. I gave up hope that it would ever see the light of day and if all the time I had spent in writing and designing it, I sorrowfully wondered, had gone in vain.

Then one fine day, towards the end of January I got elated with the news that it had finally been approved. The file had journeyed through different desks in the department steadily climbing upwards till it got to the topmost person in the state. Yes, the chief minister himself approved it in the end. Since it involves some foreign funding it was treated with an extra bit of caution, though I dare not think what it would measure to, since the government officials are already over cautious about everything. However all that does not count now, since it has finally been approved and the go ahead given for its printing. Yay !!

Xxx
What was I like at 25? Was I mature enough to manage a 30 year old? Make that a distraught 30 year old, who does not wish to be 30 in the first place. If god granted me an answer to this, it would make things so much easier. Probably I would just go ahead and get married.

2008-02-13T02:04:00.000-08:00

Earlier this month I got a chance to go to Rumtek to witness the Cham Dance. For the unawares, Rumtek is a monastery situated at a hill bang opposite to Gangtok. Since it is, as I mention, bang opposite Gangtok, it is a lovely spot for a night view of Gangtok – the day view of Gangtok from anywhere is ugly. This was only my second visit, which reminds me of my first visit, something I do not want to be reminded of, but since I am already reminded let me mention that it was with P and get it over with.

So the boss was going. He has a really nice camera and he wanted to get some nice photos of some nice monks dancing in their nice costumes and the weather turned out to be also perfectly nice or nicely perfect. It is a lovely drive to Rumtek, passing through the country side, which in the paddy season is truly wonderful. It takes a little less than an hour to reach the place.

It had already started by the time we reached. The monks were already seated and reciting their chants – this throaty really low sound that sounds quite inhuman at first, but later grows on you, so you start enjoying it. The dance they perform is not so special, it is very slow in keeping with the chants, with only some jumps and twirls being the most exciting part of the performance. (The first time they jumped and twirled, I got excited thinking that something was happening, but then they just continued on much to my disappointment). However the costumes they don and the numbers in which they perform is enough to capture your attention for a long time. oh they run also in between, and yes in circles...
Runs

They also burn the torma shaped in the form of a huge demon’s head as a sign to cast away all evils. The most interesting part of the evening was however the unfurling of this huge thanka, so huge they dangle it from the terrace of the monastery down. My only disappointment was that the thanks looked new. I was hoping to look at something really old but maybe it is because they do some touch ups, the thanka looked new and shiny.

Burns

unfurls

with a gust of wind, the first view

no words

his pics here http://www.rumtek.org/gallery/index.php?ktora=rumtek&year=2008&cat_id=57

2008-02-08T03:40:00.001-08:00

He says I talk like a book.
I am undecided on whether to take that as a compliment.
Then he also says I come so close to perfect at saying what I have to say.
I try to detect perhaps the hint of sarcasm in his tone.
He said he loves me, very much.
I could only kiss him back in an effort to silence him.

2008-01-25T02:32:00.000-08:00

Last day of my twenties, I bathed Hillary, the good elephant.

The Forest Department manages the elephants they rescue from the wild and this was a small river where they have their daily baths in the evening. I had not been too keen when I first heard it, esp since the temperatures were dipping in the evenings and being in the water did not sound like an option.

waiting for the elephants ...

and here they come...

We reached the place and it was a cute looking shallow river. We waited some moments by bank and the elephants appeared from inside the forest on the other side, riding their mahouts on the backs. It was quite a sight already. The elephants rambled down the bank in an elephantly pace and with orders from the mahout first bent their hind legs and with a splash were all lying down. The bigger tusker even laid down first on his right side, then got up and laid himself down on the left side, so as to wet himself properly.

Then I knew I had to go into the river and touch them, so soon I was wading into the water. I placed my hand on his big tummy and for a moment it did not feel like it was even living. Then it let in a big breath of air and my hand rose up some inches. It was such a wonderful feeling.

We splashed water on him and and the mahout scrubbed him. All this while Hillary just lay calmly enjoying the attention being showered on him. Finally it was over and they again rose up. On the mahouts' intructions they all splashed water over their bodies with their trunks and were off for their evening snack.

Snack time

2008-01-25T00:38:00.000-08:00

Dreading it I was, perhaps ever since the day I was 29, but there was no stopping 30. And I am there. 30, feeling it and living it. Loving it? Too early to say still.

The best part about it was that I cut a cake, something I had never had the chance to do before. So I actually cut a cake. And it was with a group of 30 odd people I had met for the first time, only a day earlier. I was taking this group of people from Sikkim's forest committees down to the plains of the Dooars on an exposure trip.

The cake was being planned as a surprise by my colleague- D and the office driver (BK). But on the night of the 21st after we had reached, and were having our drinking session inside the car, BK had more than he was supposed to and started pestering D on when he was planning to get the cake. D gave a sullen look and let me in on the secret, which was no longer one.

So WE got the cake. and I cut it. and THEY all sang. I even got a gift.. YAY!!

I even got a gift, god knows where they went to buy it though, we were quite far from nearest decent town.. and its one of those picture frames that you plug on and it lights up and the river starts flowing and there are even some birds calling.. the ones that my mom and i used to laugh about.. and now i got it as a gift.. so i will treasure it.

I know its a pretty weird pose

Life has so many ways of making you like things you probably never would.

2008-01-17T22:16:00.000-08:00

No
Sometimes i
Can’t speak
My heart..

And again
At times
It lies bared
On the table

Yes
Sometimes
one understands me
in words
So few

And again
Some there are
Who will
After volumes uttered
Still have not a clue..

2008-01-16T21:06:00.000-08:00

One day I let it slip
Out of my mind
Just slip slip slip…

Gathered, my thoughts
Packed in a small box
At the rear
Always there.. always there..

Till one day I let it slip
Out of my mind
Just slip slip slip

Picked up the pieces
Each of the bits
Even the teeny weenies
And let them one day slip
Out of my mind
Just slip slip slip..

Don’t think hard
Don’t ponder long
What has to go
Is best gone
So one day I let it slip
Out of my mind
Just slip slip slip…

2008-01-16T01:54:00.000-08:00

This one is a bit weird
she knows not much
Though she speaks
Of all the world
And such..

Nearing the 30 mark and dreading it so bad. I never thought I would be 30 or rather that it would come so soon. I think of all the things between what I have not done and all the things I wish I could have done.
I feel panicky at my loneliness, not much though, just a little. Just enough for me to know that it is there, somewhere within me.

Sometimes when I make the walk back home, I do not feel like coming home. Coming home to my tv, coming home to the warmth of the heater and the comfort of the bean bag, coming home to the red label black tea, coming home to the books I am trying to finish at one go, coming home to a sink of dirty dishes, coming home to the tiger eyes frames on the walls, coming home to the yellow and blue walls I painted myself, coming home to debates with my own mind on whether to eat or not, followed suit by whether to cook or not, coming home to me, me and me alone.

It’s a steep climb down and naturally it is an even worse steep climb every morning to office. Quite what I wanted- a good walk in the morning. But the flat is nice and well found after days and days of searching and the kitchen has a good view. It is also safe and within the owner’s well guarded premises, which does mean one too many prying eyes often, but my skin has turned thick over the years, and ignoring things which I would not have dared to in the past, comes easy. I don’t even have to think twice on that.

I guess that is what turning 30 means afterall..